Check your call logs
I get some crazy thoughts during my long walks. I do not know if it is me or the walks.
One of the thoughts was, ‘Hey Zunder, how many times has someone called you just like that !’. I scanned my phone logs for the past month, and I was surprised at the answer it revealed. I thought, let me check for the past three months, and the answer was no different.
By now, you would have guessed the answer.
Zero. Yes, read that again. Zero.
As a result of that thought, I checked how many times I called someone just like that.
Zero. Yes, read that again. Zero.
Well, I told myself, ‘It is only fair you reap what you sow’!!
I wondered, ‘When did I become like this?’
Was it deliberate, or was it subconscious indifference accumulated over time?
My internal defense system started to play out. It gave out the following justifications in no particular order
- Nothing to talk
- They would be busy
- Well, they have not called
- Inertia
- Pandemic and Remote work
- Aging
Nothing to talk
I think this is the most frivolous of all the reasons. Some years back, I used to talk about everything on planet earth. There was not a single topic I did not have an opinion about. The possible daily favorite was how my organization should be better run or how my wife is wrong. I lived every day by harmlessly cribbing to death about everything. To crib constantly was a form of daily release of endorphins.
They would be busy
This is one of the convenient excuses that I have made in mind for people who possibly I do not want to call. There were days when I would have called non-stop until they picked up or sent a message and followed up with a call. I think this is an excuse mostly conned up on a stature basis.
Well, they have not called.
Despite all the presumptions of spiritual inclinations or mindfulness, I keep scores. However, the advertised philosophy is ‘I do not keep scores.’ I keep perfect scores. The reasoning is like, ‘Why should I call, let them call’! The only helpful metric is that I am aware that I keep scores!
Inertia
It is the physics word for just being lazy. But then, I was known for not being good at physics. It is not that I am spending my life either uplifting poverty. Neither, I am burning midnight oil and money by trying to put someone on Mars that I can justify Inertia.
Pandemic and Remote work
The fatigue of zoom calls, google meet, skype, slack, Microsoft teams have probably ensured that you are expected to be constantly available, and not being available tantamounts to not working! By the time this daily circus ends, it is just that I might want to go to the bathroom and take a cold shower or kill the remaining time by watching the plethora of soap operas christened as ‘season X.’
I would like to believe Whatsapp as the conversation killer rather than a conversation enabler. 95% of the time I spend in forwards and 5% of the time I am busy with geniuses who formally create task forces in WhatsApp and expect miracles to happen there. I can easily see there are 100 dormant groups in my WhatsApp. Actual work occurs outside of WhatsApp, and I am sure someday I will get tired of the need to project an ‘always available’ mode. However, this is the best medium to express something to someone I find difficult to discuss, and the catchphrase is ‘Non-intrusive communication’!
Aging
As I age, I tell myself relationships built on solid foundations need no continuous reinforcement, and they can stand any test of time. So ‘Why bother?
I dug into myself a little bit further, and I think all the above justifications are null and void. I narrowed it down to two critical premises on why I have a zero count.
At some point in life, I turned over to look at relationships as transactional in nature. I remember my first boss during my first ever appraisal telling me, ‘Zunder — You joined us as an innocent person, and you have become a politician.’ He did not mind that because he continued with me for a couple of decades!!
I am on the path to becoming a self-confessed narcissist. A decade or so back, I debated with my Dad and told ‘Appa, you are a narcissist.’’ My Dad, who always taught me not to react to situations, did not say anything. After a couple of days, he called me and said, ‘Zunder, you are right. I am a narcissist. However, what is wrong with it!? Is it affecting anyone?’
So, I tell myself there was nothing wrong with my interpretation of Appa being a narcissist nor me turning into one!
The above two are the reasons for the Zero count, and I am not sure if the above two qualities are virtues or vices. But did someone not say ‘Accept yourself’!
OK. Go check your call logs (please ignore the immediate family or calls with blood relationships!).
So folks, what is your count? Or do you recommend that I stop walking!
Have Fun. Enjoy Maadi.
Zunder
