Ambition and Enjoyment — Are they essential?

Birthdays are a time for reflection, or that is what everyone says. As I inch closer towards fifty, almost two-thirds of my life is used up. I keep wondering ‘Did my life make an iota of difference to anyone?’. My daughter came up with her usual poser ‘Appa — Did you ever have any ambition in life?’. As I was beginning to scratch my head, she added one more ‘All your life, did you enjoy what you did or what you are doing?’.

I don’t know if only daughters can ask you this. My son, just utters six words every day. Good Morning Otosan and Good Night Otosan. He is obsessed with some Japanese comic book for the most part of the day, and that is why he has forgotten how to say ‘Appa’ in his mother tongue. However, he keeps things simple for me and does not make me think.

Like most persons, I will die rather than think.

But these two questions put me in a state of quandary. I thought I will do a quick check. I called my sister and narrated this. I asked her ‘Do you think I had any ambition?’. She was decent and gave me a political answer. I knew what she actually wanted to say, but last few months she has been over protective of me and did not want to hurt me. I called one of my friends and asked the same question. Like most friends, he gave a more direct answer. His answer was ‘When did we have anything like that.’

So, the answer to the first question was clear. It was a clear ‘No’. Forty-eight straight years without any ambition. How could I have been like this? If my daughter has not posed me this question, this would not have even occurred to me, but do not get me wrong, I am not going to get any ambitious. My inertia is too high to get a sudden momentum on anything else.

But then is it wrong to have no ambition?

My system of internal justifications began.

How did I fare?

• Studies — More like a sine wave ending up in an average.
• Work — Decent enough to exit when I wanted to. No other place has given me so many farewells. Sometimes I wonder if they did to ensure that I do not change my mind.
• Family — Do what is barely needed and stay politically correct in conflicting scenarios! They continue to bear with me.
• Friends — Healthy and manageable enough circle to call anyone at any time and talk nonsense, and they listen without complaining.
• Mentors — Have the foresight to get me out of trouble every time.
• Entrepreneurship — Completely downhill fiscally, liberating otherwise in making me realize my own stupidity!

Personally, I would not ask for more. I have been relatively lucky to get where I got to without any ambition!

I leave the judgement to my daughter if ambition would have served me better. As for me, I like this ‘No Ambition’ state.

In hindsight, I attribute the source of my lack of ambition to a birthday gift I got from my Father when I was in eighth grade. He gave me a copy of ‘The Holy Gita’ during my eight class. Along with his signature, he had written the summary of Gita ‘You have the right to actions alone, not to its fruits’. All along I guess I have been that. Do your day’s work and get back to food and sleep. No ‘Changing the world business’. I have come to peace with that decision. Maybe if he had given me a copy of ‘Mills and Boon’ or ‘How to get rich’ I would have been possibly more ambitious!

Now coming to the second question, ‘Did you enjoy what you ever did or what you are doing?’

Frankly, I don’t know the answer to that. However, I got the answer from one of my colleagues. He wrote me a farewell mail saying that I was one of the most’ detachedly attached’ person he has seen. I did get what he said. I do everything with intensity, but I do not know if it gives me enjoyment. The best answer is the café movie scene in ‘Heat’ between Robert Di Nero and Al Pacino. Robert Di Nero says that you need to have the discipline to walk away from anything that you cherish in life in a matter of thirty seconds. So, intensity and enjoyment are different. For me, the intensity matters.

What gives me enjoyment are in order are the following.

My solo long walks, especially in the early mornings, in natural surroundings.

Rambling with my tribe (Friends, Colleagues, Mentors)

Trekking or cycling with my kids

Vacation with Family

My hoodoo acts

Watching a cricket match with my childhood friends

Making someone do something that they never thought was possible and staying behind to watch the fun. I am extremely good at this, though no one acknowledges 

Going back to my favourite books and reading them repeatedly.

Spontaneous street food. Just the smell can make me stop in any track. Forget ambition! I know every street food vendor by name within two kilometres of my house.

I would like the above to my life routine(s), but in life ‘You got to do what you need to do’. Enjoyment has to be earned, is the hard answer that I do not have the heart to give to my daughter. I could be wrong, but ‘it is what it is’ and this is my view.

I shall let her figure out the answer.

So how would you answer the questions?

Did you have any ambition, or do you have any ambition?

Did you enjoy what you did or do you enjoy what you are doing?

Enjoy Maadi. Have fun.

Zunder